The day before always comes like a fist. There is a rush of air and then the connection. I love this song.
Listening to Brand New makes me feel okay. Though I’m not sure why because most of their shit is fucking depressing. Depressing and awesome. Bring on the new year.
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I wasted this entire week feeling sad and alone. I stayed inside, mulled around the house, drank too much, skipped the gym. The only productive thing I did all week was make a brief visit to the doctor to be told I’m fine. I guess that’s an upside, but I’m out of booze and broke until a TBD date.
People took digs at me in their various, manipulative ways and I just stood idly by and let it happen. Fuck, I even bought into it for a minute. I believed shit might be getting better but the joke’s on me. Funny thing is, I’m not even mad at the two of you. You’re just being exactly who you always were it was me who thought I saw a glimmer of change, a return to softness and humanity in you. Fuck was I wrong.
I also made the smart decision/mistake (depends on your perspective) of watching Closer this week which is a bad fucking idea if you’re feeling like shit about relationships and the presence of true honesty in people. It’s one of my favorite movies but it might be the loneliest two hours anyone can spend watching beautiful people fight, fuck, and fuck each other up. The film is a series of vignettes that claw deep beneath the skin of just how awful people can treat one another and still expect love, forgiveness. But the moral is there. That sentiment that blows you apart into tiny fragments of emotions and reminds you: be a better person, or this could… will be you. No matter how beautiful you are.
But I got something else from it too. Something I never miss but always forget.
Provocation until that aforementioned honesty rears its ugly head.
So, ‘thank you for your honesty. Now fuck off and die.’
Done. And all the better for it.
